Outsourcing Reviews: Edition One - The Smurfs

As you all know, Mike and I have had a tough time getting our reviews up this summer. And in this tough economy, we've taken the necessary measures to ensure that current movies are still being covered on our beloved blog.

So here in our first edition is Bailey Fishman with a review on The Smurfs. Enjoy!

The Smurfs
by Bailey Fishman

If it were not for the fact that Steve had my car and I had nothing to do after cleaning the entire place, I would have never watched the Smurfs. I am now blaming Steve for the loss of 90 minutes of my life. For those who know me, they know that I am very easily entertained when it comes to movies (hence me liking Alvin and the Chipmunks. But honestly, who doesn’t want to have a talking chipmunk?), but I have never tried so hard to avoid actually watching this movie while it was playing.

These little blue men (and one woman) are preparing for the Blue Moon Festival. But, after a failed attempt by Papa Smurf (Jonathan Winters) to keep Clumsy (Anton Yelchin) from leaving their shroom village, only to be caught by Gargamel (Hank Azaria), a group of annoying, singing Smurfs get transported to none other than New York City through a portal. In this new “world”, they meet Patrick and Grace Winslow (Neil Patrick Harris and Jaymay Mays). Grace immediately takes to the Smurfs while Patrick finds them annoying (a perfect character to associate with).

During their time in New York, the Smurfs struggle to find a way to re-open the portal to get back home to the other jillion Smurfs that they so deeply miss. They venture through Time Square, convenient stores, and even the subway system (brave little Smurfs they are). Meanwhile, Gargamel is hot on their trail trying to catch them with his cat Azrael.

After a few failed attempts to reopen the blue moon portal, Papa has finally figured out the potion and is able to get it open only to be caught by Gargamel. Since the portal is open, Brainy (Fred Armisen) goes back and gets the other Smurfs because “no Smurf is left behind”—what good soldiers they would be. In an epic battle of good vs. evil, Gargamel is defeated and the little blue shits are able to time warp again back to home. Everyone was able to live Smurfily ever after.

There are a few things I am really happy about. The writers incorporated a reason why Smurfette is the only female Smurf in the village, which was always a question to me. I just always thought she was the town whore. The other choice I like is Hank Azaria as Gargamel. The second he did his evil laugh, I actually looked up from my phone (which I was using intently to distract myself as much as possible) and thought, WOW he nailed it. That evil laugh reminded me exactly of the laugh I remember from the show. Yes, I used to watch this show all the time when I was growing up. I loved the Smurfs, which is why I have so many problems with this movie.

First off, this movie does not represent the Smurfs in any sort of correct form. Yes they have them off on an adventure but this isn’t the adventures they are used to doing from the show and cartoon. I also hated that from the first second I saw the first little blue creature, it looked so computerized. I wish they would have made them look a little more like the originals but once again a disappointment.

Secondly, I feel like I could have written this movie, which is an awful thing to say. The whole time I kept saying to myself…been there, seen that. To me, it seems like the writers just took aspects from different movies, jumbled them up and created this movie. Like when they traveled through the portal to NYC, it reminded me exactly of Ella Enchanted. And the line Smurf-a-bonga… How insulting to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (some of the greatest movies EVER!). They could have at least made this movie true to the Smurf’s form instead of clearly ripping off other movies.

Thirdly, I feel so bad for Neil Patrick Harris. I love him on How I Met Your Mother. In that show he is always able to make me laugh, not the case in this movie. I know there has to have been at least one movie idea thrown in his direction that he could have taken that was better than this flick. Come on NPH, what were you thinking? Could this kill your career in the movie industry? Maybe, but good thing you have your charm and good looks.

Lastly, the climax between Gargamel vs. the Smurfs is far from breathtaking. During this match, Gargamel has become an all-mighty wizard and the battle has turned Harry Potter-esque. The scene looks like it is taken out of Deathly Hollows II and just has little blue things lying around the scene. This probably was one of the most entertaining parts of the movie and that solely on the fact that I love Harry Potter.

With all this said, this movie was not made for 26 year old people (insert old lady jokes here), but for the youngsters. Because of the ripping-off-age, this movie would probably hold the attention span of those children long enough for parents to not want to rip their hair out for a whole 90 minutes, which is probably why it grossed a little over $35.5 million the first weekend it was out. Parents needed a break from their little brats, and this movie gave them the opportunity. But for me, it was an embarrassment.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Quick Hits

Hey folks! Things have been hectic lately, for both Mike and myself, but never fear. We have more posts on the way I assure you, but until then I wanted to send out some quick reviews and hits from movies I've seen recently. Some of them certainly would benefit from further analysis but for the sake of time (or lack there of) I'm condensing them.

The Help

All the talk about this feel-good movie is aimed at Emma Stone but let me clear the air here. Emma Stone is not the star of this movie. She's funny, sassy, and likable, and this role is probably a pivotal one that will alter her career down the Julie Roberts path rather than the Cameron Diaz path, i.e. she can act. The show is stolen by Viola Davis as Aibileen Clark as the vulnerable but fueled maid who really ignites the controversy, as Stone's "Skeeter" is merely a vessel. Davis carries all the emotional weight and has the most to lose the whole time, she is the real hero of this feel good story despite what the Oscar talk would have you believe. It's not a movie for everyone, but I'm sure even a few guys would see the quality this film has.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Friends with Benefits

What appears to be a fairly generic romantic comedy here really is much more. Why? How 'bout Justin Timberlake's boyish charm? This isn't a gay thing, he's just very fun to watch every time he's on the screen. Mila Kunis is good as well but Timberlake makes this movie worth watching. Well, that and the great supporting cast (namely Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone) who maximize each moment of screen time they get. But most importantly, FWB doesn't try to horribly disguise itself behind a cheesy gimmick (see: Killers, Bounty Hunter, What Happens in Vegas, The Ugly Truth, etc.), instead it's simply about two people going through with life. My only beef is that no matter how different it tries to feel, every RomCom is doomed to repeat the same ending.

(Note: What does it say that of the four movies listed above, Katherine Heigel and Aston Kutcher star in two of them, together in one. What does that say about how awful they are? What would Heigel be without Knocked Up? And at least Kutcher is smart enough to latch onto a winning TV show before he completely flamed out.)

Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Perhaps the single most anticipated movie this year in my head. If you told me one year ago that I wouldn't see this movie until almost a month after it was released, I'd blame everything on director Joe Johnston. But I'm happy to say that there is little blame to pass. Captain America is well-cast, well-paced, and damn entertaining. Chris Evans works as Steve Rogers, which proves vastly more important than how he works as Captain America (btw, also good). Most importantly, Capt. has good action and drama from start to finish. It's a really great blend of history and fantasy but I must admit I've one minor gripe: the score. Every other recent Marvel film has had an outstanding score (most notably The Incredible Hulk) and The Dark Knight raised the bar. Captain tries to push an older style, much like the Indiana Jones films, but in some spots it simply feels out of place and a bit of nuisance. For casual movie-goers, it won't hardly be noticed though.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

by Steve Kochems

Leave it to San Francisco and their liberal ass agenda to bring about the fall of civilization! And of course, it’s headed up by the king of kush James Franco- it’s no wonder Charlton Heston is going to be pissed off!

Okay, all jokes and politics aside, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a well-made film. And it’s not that right wing either. And though of course the nature of that universe was always a little conservative, what with the head of the NRA as the hero, use of apes as immigrant labor and an eventual ape apocalypse, liberty is not lost here.

Will Rodman (Franco) is a revolutionary geneticist whose goal is to create a virus that will promote the repair and growth of brain cells to counteract the effects of Alzheimer’s. But like most atrocities, the road is paved by these good intentions. After his first test ape is killed by security for running wild, Will discovers it was an act of protection rather than hysteria. His program is shut down and Will takes the infant ape home instead of killing it.

He grows to become Caesar, an ape with an intelligence level above the average human. With that, Will decides to test the drug on his father Charles (John Lithgow), who suffers from Alzheimer’s. It yields amazing results as his father recovers and Caesar is learning at an astounding rate. However, natural antibodies begin to counter act the drug and Charles regresses. Meanwhile, Caesar longs to find his place in the world and his animal instincts aren’t something he fully can control or understand yet either.

Rise is not the best film of this series but it’s certainly second (what shame is there in being second to a classic?). The time is well portioned between Will’s work and Caesar’s rise. Personally, I have a tough time looking at James Franco as a geneticist or as a serious person at all (thanks, Pineapple Express and 2011 Oscars), but he does play a good father. Lithgow is able to shine as he’s well cast for a fairly loopy and confused old man.

However the unsung hero that makes Rise work is none other than Andy Serkis. The man who brought you Gollum and King Kong, Serkis does his stop-motion work again to create the fluent movements of Caesar. He blends them so well that a transition can clearly be seen in his posture, walk, and mannerisms. The apes in general are what make this movie worth seeing as the plot is little more than a rise of slave or monster movie.

And wisely, Rise leaves room to push further. I won’t be surprised if I hear in the next few days they’ve green lit a second film and if Hollywood has its way it will be with two new and worthless writers, a hack director, and still star James Franco (hey, it happened to Thor). But enough gruff, Rise is definitely worth heading to the theater to see and might even be worth some Oscar talk, that is if they’ll consider a damn dirty ape for Best Actor.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

by Mike Kamrowski

I would agree with Steve on this one- this movie was pretty great. I thought Franco, while it really is hard to see him in a more serious role (and yes, a movie about monkey mischeif is more serious than Pineapple Express), did astand-up job in the father role to Ceaser. I loved the CGI- everything was as life-like as it could be without, well, being real.

My favorite part of this movie, and at first I didn’t want to admit this to myself, was how it tied a lot of loose ends together. The original (and Mark Wahlberg remake) Apes was a great movie, but it left a lot of questions. How did the apes get so damn smart? What happened to the Earth? Why is everyone dead, and why are those that are still alive acting like cavemen? While some of those questions were answered (vaugely), I always wanted a back story: Rise gave me one.

I say I didn’t want to admit that learning the answer to these questions was my favorite part of this movie because that was the appeal of the original Apes flick for me: you didn’t know what happened and, fuck it, the movie wasn’t going to give you much of an answer. Rise showed us how the crew in the original came to land back on Earth (first manned trip to Mars gone bad), how everyone died out (FRANCO!!!) and how the apes gained intelligence beyond that of humans (crazy purple knock out gas).

I would recommend this movie to just about anyone, unless you’re a bleeding heart animal rights activist… lot of monkey murder.

Note: Tom Felton, the guy that plays Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series, is in this movie and guess what!? He's an asshole! What a surprise... poor kid is typecast for life.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

by Steve Kochems

I'm just going to get right into it. After 7 previous films, one whose sole purpose is to lead into this film, it would be quite asinine of me to nitpick and criticize Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. This isn't Jaws 8 or Friday the 13th VIII, this is a legitimate series that has maintained a standard of quality in each film of the series, something that's fairly unheard of in cinema and only rivaled by the James Bond series. That isn't to say HPDH2 is for everyone. God help you if this is the first Potter film you try to watch.

But in that minute weakness lays its strength. This is a movie for the millions who've followed the books and the millions more who were forced to watch the first six films in a three day period and then rushed to see Deathly Hallows: Part 1, only to be left horribly blue-balled by what turned out to be only half a movie (side note: the forced part turned into a blessing in disguise and the second isn't a harsh criticism as my Potter liaison team informed me that was the logical point to break the movies, which I found true after watching this film).

The action packed opening to Deathly Hallows Part 1 was only a taste of what you'll get in Part 2. For a series that was slow and tense pacing of mystery story after mystery story, Mr. Potter gets supercharged as Hogwarts and the Dark Lord go to an all out war that involves many favorites from the past films. And most importantly, it ends with class and dignity.

I could argue that Hermoine and Ron seem less important here while Neville soaks up many of the larger moments (side note 2: Potter liaison explained the reasoning from the novel so I've been corrected already). But beyond that I've little bad or good to say about this movie. Not because there aren't good things in this movie (there are many), but let's be honest with each other here. You've seen seven movies in a series, even if you're pissed off at it for some reason you are not giving up on watching the finale. And if you haven't seen any of them you won't know what I'm talking about anyhow.

Still, I felt obligated to put my thoughts up on here about the final Harry Potter. Partially because it's what we have this site for and partly because Mike and I have been a little lagging on the review this summer, which sucks because it's actually shaped up to be a very nice summer of movies. We're sorry, I moved, he's got no internet, the debt issue hasn't been resolved- we're all suffering, guys.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say about HPDH2. I did have a moment of high emotion two days after seeing the final Potter; I came home and saw the Sorcerer's Stone was on cable. I could only handle a few minutes of it because Daniel Radcliffe looked so young, but it showed the process of the Potter movies. It's a ten year journey that we've gone on and now it's over. And I'm not sad because of nostalgia, but because that was ten years ago it started (feeling old). If you take nothing else away from this movie, commend it for leaving with class and pride, something it upheld through all eight films and a decade of love.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Most Human Heroes List

by Steve Kochems

While impatiently awaiting our furniture and living essentials from Buffalo, my girlfriend and I decided to sit down and watch the Indiana Jones trilogy. Now, those who know me think this is going to turn into another rant about one of the three, but it isn’t going to. I promise. Rather, it dawned on me after the less than impressive Green Lantern that superhero movies might be wearing down because they often retread familiar territory, namely the fact that they in some way or another acquire super human powers (Batman and the Punisher being the lone exceptions, though I would argue Batman’s super power at times is money, making him the best superhero to invest in).

So while watching the Indy films, I realized that some of the best heroes we have in classic films are in fact very ordinary people and are much more human than super. More often than not, these iconic action heroes are the result of an incredibly well-written script. Whether they’ve misplaced their shoes or see that X marks the spot, these moments usually stem from a script that is forced to be creative and clever, ironically as a result of the fact that the hero is a mere human.

Now before I go ahead and make a list that I’ll be horribly criticized for, whether by a bad addition or omission, I’m going to just say right now I’m not including James Bond into this simply for the reason that after a couple of films, the story forced him to be superhuman. That’s not to say any of these character below haven’t been, but not over a span of 22 films. Sure, a few have had unnecessary sequels, but Bond kept being regurgitated for us until Martin Campbell’s Casino Royale. I’d love to add Daniel Craig’s Bond because he’s based more in reality, he strangles people, he can be poisoned and shot. But I don’t want to omit movies from a character either (okay, I’d like to but I won’t). So Bond has to be left off here, sorry.

So here’s my list for the most heroic humans in cinema.

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)

Our favorite assassin turned amnesia patient, Bourne will kill you with a pen. That’s one of the first big action sequences we see of Mr. Bourne and we absolutely love it. Or how ‘bout a magazine? You can’t sit in a waiting room with this guy and feel safe. Seriously, if he can kill you with a pen he can kill you with anything. But my favorite moment in the Bourne Identity is a small scene when he sits down in a coffee shop and realizes he knows every visible attribute about the diner and those in it, more importantly though he doesn’t know why. He’s a man simply searching for himself, and killing anyone who disrupts that.

Bryan Mills (Taken)

I wouldn’t be surprised if some people gripe about this choice ahead of Bourne, but Mills only takes one film to get his revenge, so he gets points for that (sure, Bourne is working on a larger scale, but that’d ruin my reasoning). But also he’s the centerpiece for a film that walks a dark line but never crosses it. And of course Mills is a total bad ass, whether it’s electrocuting people or shooting anyone who stands between him and his daughter, friends included. That’s what makes him one of the most interesting people on this list… that and if I’d kept him off he’d torture me until I put him on here.

Ellen Ripley (Alien)

Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley was not only a mark of change in gender roles for modern cinema, but a mark in narratives in general. She’s strong and plays the mother of her ship, battling crazed aliens and their queen for control. It’s a clash of different worlds and Ripley is the centerpiece, looking to protect and defend her kin at all costs. (I know eventually she turns into an Alien or something… but this is basically for the first two films). I’d have her higher on the list, but since the film takes place in space she’s got more technology at her disposal than, say…

John McClain (Die Hard)

One of the most likable and American characters in modern cinema, McClane is basically a schlub that just gets caught up in a bad spot. But in the hairiest of situations, McClane is clever, bold, and everything you could ever want in an action hero. He’s the staple for dozens of movies that tried to be everything Die Hard was but always fell short. In fact, there’s only one man I’d say is more American and bold then Mr. John McClane…

Indiana Jones (Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark)

I tried really hard to talk myself into someone else, to find another character that embodied heroism more than Indy. Mainly it was because I knew I led this article with him and knew it would make the ending anti-climactic. But lo, it can’t be anyone else. The man that found the Lost Ark and the Cup of Christ to kept it from the Nazi’s. The bold, borderline reckless man who when he’s tired of fighting street thugs pulls out his gun and shoots them. Never mind the fourth installment that lacked logic and hoped to disguise itself behind the likability of old Indy; this isn’t the forum to complain about that. We can only hope that if or, as some have said, when a fifth movie comes around, the trend of quality continues and Mr. Lucas allows him to finally ride off into the sunset (for good this time).

Anyone you don’t think should be on here? Or notable omissions? Post them below!