The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Reviewed by Mike 

I don't like musicals, so watching this is probably a huge mistake on my part (**turns out, yes, it was), but I've never seen the entire movie- all I remember is Tim Curry looking like a freak- so I figured, what with all the popularity all of a sudden (Halloween is in a few days, so this flick is everywhere right now), why not give it a look see?

Aside from the musical aspect of the film, there was another thing that threw me off: Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon was Katherine Heigl before Katherine Heigl; Susan Sarandon is the original shitty actress.

Casting all judgment and any bias aside, I started The Rocky Horror Picture Show and here's what I thought:

The story, if you're not familiar with it already, follows Brad Majors (Barry Bostwick) and Janet Weiss (Sarandon), a newly engaged couple with quite the knack for singing. They must have been theater majors in college.

So the couple, fresh from a wedding, end up getting a flat tire on an old deserted road during a rain storm in the middle of the night. The only refuge from the storm is (what appears to be) an abandoned castle. The couple arrive and -hold on a minute!- there's a party going on! They're let in by the hunchbacked servant, Riff Raff (Richard O'Brien). Inside, everyone is singing and dancing and Bard and Janet are completely in "what the fuck?" mode.

I can't say I blame them for being wary... if I walked into a creepy mansion, and there was a party going on and everyone doing a strange "dance" and singing "Let's Do the Time Warp, Again," I would want to get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible too.

So the couple is backing out of the room and they literally stumble into Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Curry), who then goes into a song about how he's a transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. **I have to say right here, I can't imagine that this movie would fly today.  Maybe by 1975 standards, but if a film like this was made today, I doubt it would gain the popularity that Rocky Horror did. Although who knows, shit like Glee and American Idol are popular...

So the good doctor invites everyone up to his lab, where he unveils his creation: a mummy that turns out to be a totally ripped blond dude. After a quick song, through a wall comes Meatloaf! He's kind of a weird Elvis-type biker, but that doesn't matter because after his song he gets hacked to death by Curry.

...then it all gets pretty damn weird. There's regular sex, gay sex, lesbian sex... I can see why a program like Glee, which is aimed at teenage girls, would want to cover songs from this movie on its show. They'll probably cover the songs from Debbie Does Dallas next...

So after watching this flick, here are my thoughts: First off, who is this old guy smoking cigarettes that the film keeps cutting to? The narrator? The story doesn't call for a narrator- we can understand everything perfectly fine without him. They could have saved money and just cut him from the movie completely, maybe bump up the special effects or make-up or cast some bigger names instead.

Hey, here's something that's annoying: when movies have the credits- all of them- at the fucking beginning of the movie. There's a reason the theater empties out after the last scene of a film, and that's because no one gives a shit about who the casting consultants or production managers are. No one, safe for maybe the casting consultants or production managers themselves, but I am none of these- cut to the chase, movie.

The camera work was not very good. I don't know who was holding that thing, but it shook more than [insert Michael J. Fox joke here].

I understand that this film is a musical and the story needs to reflect that, but hardly any of the shit in this movie made sense. And remember, this is coming from the guy who watched The Human Centipede.

A few positives that came from this movie: the music and singing- all of the songs were skillfully performed, with Sarandon (that bitch) and Curry being, well, surprisingly good. There's a line in Curry's first song, something along the lines of "Don't get strung out, by the way I look/Don't judge a book by its cover." Well said, Curry... well said.

Curry was great, with his fantastic singing voice and he really did a good job making a memorable (albeit extremely strange and creepy) character out of Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Also, this movie helped to further my theory that Tim Curry loves to be in movies that take place in a creepy mansion- Rocky Horror and Clue!

When all is said and done, this was kind of a take on the classic Dr. Frankenstein story, except this time it was a musical and very, very sexual. And gay. Honestly, can anyone please explain to me why this has such a cult following? It had two, maybe three catchy songs, Curry played an interesting character, but other than that it was shit. I can understand why films like The Big Lebowski and Reservoir Dogs have a cult following, but this?

This movie was better than I thought it was going to be, but I have to admit that if I've seen a worse movie, I honestly can't remember it.

1 out of 5