Normally I like to do a lead in, something witty or interesting that leads into my overall opinion of the film. I'll even occasionally do a synopsis somewhere in here as well. But, fuck me. There's no nice way to put this, but I cannot believe how bad this remake is. Robert Englund is probably laughing his ass off at how bad this is.
I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with the good. The effects.
Ok now to the bad. I wonder how many people read through this script without mentioning or suggesting for a dialogue rewrite. Then again, I can't really tell which is worse, the writing or the actors. Even Jackie Earl Haley's lines are bad, its like a forced muffling that is clearly done in post-production. It might be the most disappointing part of the movie since there was such a demonic charm to how Robert Englund delivered his lines. He was the perfect blend of funny and terrifying, which is what made those films so enjoyable each time I'd watch it. Instead we get this MTV produced garbage. I'm surprised Megan Fox wasn't cast as Nancy.
So the plot basically follows along the same as the original, except with less control. We start the film with a gruesome throat slitting. Now, this would've been really interesting to open up with but it's completely ruined by having cuts to Freddie (just in case anyone forgot what the movie was about). The idea of a teen (by the way, the kid looks like he's at least thirty) cutting his own throat in front of his friend is pretty terrifying, especially when it seems like there might be someone else doing it, like a possession or something. But since we see Freddie, it complete dissolves the uniqueness of the scene. It's just another slasher moment that is overly violent for the sake of the 21st century audience that can't get enough blood on screen. Makes me wanna vomit.
Though I should mention that after about the midpoint, the dreams do get more physically violent rather than some of the outrageous murders that we saw in the sequels, and while this sort of brings the movie to a more down-to-earth form, I still can't make it through the terrible writing and worse acting. In fact, in a matter of two minutes the film steals five lines from Freddy vs. Jason and even the final decapitation. You're pretty sparse for ideas when you're lifting from that movie.
I think what bothers me most is the fact that they basically lift the same murder scenes from the original film. Now I don't think I'd consider this lazy but it's just hollow because the rest of the film is so flat. In the original, nobody is killed for the first twenty minutes. We follow Nancy and friends through trying to understand these nightmares they are having. It helps build tension; the remake shifts around a lot. We meet Nancy at the start, but mostly follow Kris up until she's murdered. Then we move to Nancy. And to Jesse. And to Quintin. And back to Nancy.
I guess I shouldn't just complain- there are some decent things to say about the effects. When Nancy is looking up information on Freddie, she finds a web video of an Asian kid who seems to be having the same dreams. The drug store scene is also pretty creative, though we start to blur the lines of what Freddie's real powers are. Somehow a kid falls asleep in a pool... A girl while she's walking... Two characters simultaneously hear Freddie's laugh while they are both awake and walking through a field... Two characters have gone all Inception on us and entered into the same dream... The list goes on, so I'll just stop here.
I think it just all adds up to this remake being done for the sake of nostalgia and no other ideas in Hollywood. New Line Cinema is called "the house that Freddie built" so I'm sure they figured any movie about Freddie Krueger would make money. And while I would agree that a movie further exploring the back story of Freddie would be worth making, the fact that they handled it so carelessly is almost insulting, especially when we're getting quality remakes of other classics from that period like Rob Zombie's Halloween and the new Friday the 13th. They have multiple opportunities to bring a contemporary feel to his character, but instead only feed my nostalgia for the old movie.
In watching this I did come up with a way to make this film great. Shut off the audio and just watch the visuals, like a silent film. Only turn it on when Nancy is crawling through a hallway swamp of blood so you can here Freddie utter the only worthwhile line in the film.
How about that for a wet dream?
Rating:
1 out of 5 stars
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