Let me start off by saying, I love this movie. I've loved it ever since it came out in 1997 and I'll love it until I'm dead. I could be doing anything, literally anything, and I would stop to watch this film. Megan Fox could be giving me a foot job and I would make her stop to watch this movie that I've seen 1,000 times before, it's that awesome. Here's why:
Number one: it's about giant alien bugs who want to destroy Earth for some unexplained reason. These bugs are God damn viscous and look mean as hell. They kill humans just to do it- I mean, they can't even leave their planet and they're starting shit with us. That takes some chutzpah and they get a few respect points from me for that.
Number two: Casper Van Dien and Denise Richards are hot. CVD, while his career didn't really do much after this movie (eh, I guess I can sort of see why), is awesome. Chiseled jaw and boy-like features, mixed with a cockiness and shoot-first-ask-questions-fucking-never attitude make him fun to watch, while Denise Richards is just plain sexy. And I'm talking young Denise Richards here, waaaay before the whole Charlie Sheen/TV show on E! Denise Richards. She's looking fine as hell, except for her eyebrows... gross.
Number three: the guns are awesome. These aren't you average, run of the mill machine guns and sniper rifles- these bitches do serious damage. These soldiers have futuristic grenades and they all carry around RPG launchers, except instead of normal explosives, these launch nukes. The giant spaceships show the vastness and power of the Federation and are pretty kick-ass and futuristic in themselves.
Number four: Neil Patrick Harris. That is all. NPH is a God.
Number five: Boobs. There are a lot of nude scenes in this movie, which I don't have a problem with at all. I think the director, Paul Verhoeven, found out he was allowed to show tits in this flick and decided to adopt the mentality of go big or go home.
I don't want to get into the movie too much, but a general synopsis is probably in order, so if you've never seen this flick (doubtful), skip to the end.
The story follows Johnny Rico (Van Dien), the typical high school jock/pretty boy/hero type, his girlfriend Carmen Ibanez (Richards), their genius friend Carl Jenkins (NPH) and Rico obsessed hottie Dizzy Flores (Dina Meyer) during their last days of high school and their integration into the Federation (the modern day Earth military). NPH becomes a scientist, Ibanez a pilot, and Rico (who joined solely for Ibanez) and Dizzy are your average soldiers, so they all get separated during their original recruitment, but keep meeting up with each other throughout the film.
The main enemy in this movie is a race of giant alien Bugs that are hell bent on destroying everything. They have no weaponry or technology, but their planet is surrounded by an asteroid belt and some of the bugs have the ability to shoot giant plasma-balls out of their ass (ha-ha, awesome sentence), thus hitting an asteroid and sending it hurling at Earth. Not good.
So Rico is tearing shit up a boot camp and impressing his drill Sargent, Sgt. Zim (Clancy Brown). Rico gets promoted to Squad Leader and things are going good, until one day he accidentally gets one of his guys killed in a training exercise. He's just about to take off and say "to hell with this military shit" when all of a sudden his hometown (Buenos Aires, which I always thought looked a lot like southern California in Starship Troopers) gets destroyed.
Oh. Fuck.
Dizzy is pissed and Rico is pissed and one of Rico's military buddies, Ace Levy (Jake Busey, and yes, he is the son of Gary Busey... and Lord can you tell), is pissed and shit's about to get crazy! Rico's squad gets sent in during the first wave of attacks against the Bug planet, where he almost gets his shit ruined, but then he gets saved and thrown into a giant vat of water, Empire Strikes Back style, to make him all better. Meanwhile, Ibanez broke up with him (Denise Richards is one big cock tease in this movie... bitch) and Dizzy is trying to swoop in and steal Rico for herself.
Enter the metal armed badass that is Jean Rasczak (Michael Ironside). One of Rico's old high school teachers and the guy that got him interested in joining the Federation in the first place, Rasczak has one rule: "Everyone fights, no one quits. If you run away, I'll kill you myself." I guess that's really more like three rules, but whatever- he's awesome. He also delivered a few more gems in this flick:
So Rico and his crew join up with the metal armed wonder and his squad, known as the Roughnecks. The new unit gets sent in on a rescue mission- apparently a base was sending out a distress call and stuff needs to be investigated. But when they arrive on the scene, everyone is dead.
It's a trap! This scene, where the Roughnecks are trapped at the outpost, waiting and waiting for their rescue ship to arrive, is epic. The small fort they're trying to hold down just gets surrounded by thousands of the enemy Bugs and the Roughnecks are just laying waste to all of them. Unfortunately, our boy Rasczak gets killed and so does Dizzy, but Ibanez shows up in a ship and rescues everyone else in the nick of time. Yay!
The movie continues and there's a giant Brain Bug that looks like a huge brain with eight eyes and a giant vagina for a nose- gross. The Brain Bug gets captured and the good guys win and Rico probably gets laid or something, who knows?
All of that being said, the main problem that I've always had with the film is also the movies biggest plot hole. The Federation, which is basically the combined military of the Earth, is gigantic. They have space stations, moon bases, the latest in the way of ships, guns and equipment... yet they still need foot-soldiers. After Rico's hometown is destroyed, Rico and company get sent in for a ground-war against the Bugs.
Re-read that last sentence: Rico and company get SENT IN FOR A FUCKING GROUND-WAR against GIGANTIC, VIOLENT ALIEN BUGS. This is the same "Rico and company" that have FUCKING NUKES that they can SHOOT AS RPGS! WHAT!!?
Someone please explain to me why a planet full of giant insects, who have no way of leaving said planet whatsoever, needs to be invaded by machine gun toting foot soldiers while there are plenty of nukes just laying around... why not nuke the entire planet from space and save the countless lives (something like 300k) that were lost in the first day of battle?
I don't know what asshole thought up this battle plan, but here's how mine would have gone: "Ok guys, the enemy is a race of giant bugs with no known technology or weaponry... station all ships in orbit of the planet and hit it with nukes until it's gone. Now, let's go to the strip club buffet, I got money to burn."
That major plot hole aside, this is a great movie and I hope they make another one... what's that? They made TWO MORE movies and a video game? And they were all terrible? Well that sure is a shame...
4 out of 5
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